Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Joy of Zero Expectations




"I have spent much of my life being distracted by what could be." ~ Clarice Bryan


Want to find happiness right now? Clear your mind for a minute and then repeat after me: “expect nothing.”


So much of our society is tied up in things that haven’t happened yet. We obsess on what we want to happen, what we think should happen, what we are convinced is going to happen. We tell ourselves that a move to a new town is going to change our lives for the better. We leave one job for another, sure that we'll finally be able to get the appreciation we deserve. We get that second degree, convinced that it will open more doors on the job front.


So what happens when we make that move to a new town and our lives don’t change? When we get to the new job and discover that this new boss is just as horrid as the former one? When we graduate with degree in hand and discover there are no jobs to be had?


We feel disappointment (at the least) or become severely depressed (at the most). We are convinced that life is unfair and we will never be able to get anywhere. We had so many hopes and expectations… and they were dashed. Put simply, we are unhappy because what we thought was going to happen, didn’t happen.


The truth is, we don’t know what’s around the corner. So what would happen if we were to become a feather in the wind and just go where the wind blows? Move into that new town, or job, or situation with absolutely no expectations whatsoever… good or bad? To plunge headfirst into the situation just to experience it, rather than tie our hope for the future on it? What if we tried to live more in the moment rather than in the days ahead?


I realize this is more than just a simple switch. It’s not easy to give up a lifetime of worrying and obsessing about the future, especially in our society, where we’ve all been taught that we are entitled to the “American Dream.” Aren’t we supposed to get that great job, home, partner, car, etc…?


It’s good to have goals. It’s good to strive and work hard for those things. But it can become a problem when we start putting inordinate pressure on ourselves and start to become disappointed (or depressed). Why don’t I have that job/home/partner/car yet? What is wrong with me? Why isn’t my life turning out the way it was supposed to? Life sucks!


If those internal dialogues sound familiar, it might be worth it to start trying to clear your mind of expectations. We are all entitled to happiness. And we can find it in the simplest things if we lift the veil of expectation.


Just something to think about.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Power of Forgiveness


So....
Should I even start explaining where I've been? Yikes. It's been almost a year.

The short story is: I've been studying and working as an intuitive life coach and counselor. The long story is much more complicated, and too involved to get into right now. ;)

Instead, I want to share something with you that someone urged me to share. It deals with a recurring theme in my sessions lately. The dreaded "F" word. 

Forgiveness.

When clients ask me the best way to “clear their path,” we almost always end up talking about an event that’s happened in their lives they find they can’t truly release. 

Everyone has someone in their lives who has wronged them in some way. Some breach of trust that caused the person on the receiving end to close off their heart a bit. Not in just romantic relationships, but also relationships with relatives, co-workers, friends. Even complete strangers can hurt each other. The unscrupulous financier who stole your entire life savings. The man in the park who violently attacked you for your wallet.

When these things happen to us, a little part of us - the part of us that wants to trust - puts up a wall of sorts. Sometimes the wall is there to simply keep out that specific person, other times the wall is a bit taller and thicker, and you start to cast a suspicious eye on everyone.

It doesn’t matter how big the wall is, however. Once you set up any wall inside your heart, it’s harder for other things – potentially great things – to get in.

So at this point in the conversation, we talk about forgiveness and the importance of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is one of those concepts that gets a bad rap. And I do understand why. Why in the world would you ever want to forgive someone who has done something horrific to you? How can you “let them off the hook” like that? That person deserves anger being tossed their way!

I understand the trepidation, but forgiveness can be more about you than about the other person, because it is an act of release. It doesn’t have to be letting anyone "off the hook." In fact, you don’t even have to tell the other person you forgive them. You just need to forgive them in your heart.

Think about a situation where someone caused you great pain. Does it still bring up horrible memories and feelings of anger or sorrow concerning that person? If so, that experience (and that person) is in control of your feelings. The event - even if it happened many years ago - is still very much in the Present. Wouldn’t you like to let go of that pain?

Forgiveness is the key. Once you forgive the person who did this to you, you are no longer allowing them (and what they did to you) to control your emotions. You are taking back your personal power by saying, “I forgive you. I’m going to release these feelings of anger and pain concerning you. Whatever you do now is not my concern, because I am putting this behind me and moving on with my life.”

Another benefit of forgiveness is that it’s the first step to tearing down the wall you’ve formed around your heart. Without the wall in place, you no longer bring the pain of past experience with you into future experiences. You no longer place the face of the person who wronged you on the faces of others – some of whom might be trying to love you deeply. You start living Life again because you are moving forward with hope in your heart instead of anger. That’s a beautiful thing.

Don't let anyone tell you you're a victim. You have the power to change that.

EDITED TO ADD: I should have also said that just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you should completely forget. Many of these experiences are also life lessons - so you never find yourself in the same situation again. But that's another post for another time.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Getting past the pass/fail mentality


I had an interesting discussion with a friend of mine not too long ago. Actually, it's the same person I talk about in my previous blog post--- the friend I'm no longer friends with--- and the conversation was the last one that we had. It was a doozy--- but, in my never-ending quest to turn misfortune into life lessons I think I learned something valuable.

This is someone who feels like time has passed them by, and they no longer will be able to find that dream job, find the "right" partner, etc. Basically, this person has given up. I tried to convince this person that wasn't the case, but when someone has their mind made up that his/her life is really crappy--- it's hard to get him/her to think otherwise.

Here's my attitude… and I understand if others don't subscribe to this philosophy (trust me, I **know** I do not have all the answers). But IMO, life is NOT a pass/fail course--- at least when it comes to most things. Most of the time, you can't "fail"… because there is no limit to how many times or how long you can keep trying (until you pass away, of course--- but that's a whole other issue. ;)

Every stumbling block, every obstacle, every hole you fall into while you're trying to get to your goal… can be really frustrating and crushing. Trust me, I *know.* But if you choose to examine the obstacles more closely, they can also be incredible learning experiences that ultimately help you grow. They never have to mean that you've failed. Unless *you* decide to give yourself that "F"--- and give up.

In life, there are no referees on the sidelines ready to blow that final whistle. No judges declaring "game over--- stop all of your efforts now!" Only YOU can make that declaration. And if you truly want something more than life itself, why would you do that to yourself?

I understand the feeling of being knocked down and not wanting to get up again. I understand the feeling of being too tired to keep fighting a battle you don't think you will ever win. Those times are inevitable, and they are a sure sign that you need to take a rest and recuperate. Surround yourself with things and people that you love. Laugh. Remind yourself about what's important in life. Take as much time as you need (be it five minutes or five months) to regain your strength. Then get back up and get moving again.

Easier said than done, I know. But IMO it beats the alternative--- dwelling in misery and depression (and attacking people who you think are doing better than you are--- but that's another post for another time). Just a thought.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Moving On


“The hardest part is what to leave behind... It's time to let go” ~ Winnie the Pooh

This entry is likely to be a bit more melancholy than most. You see, I just ended a years-long (we're talking decades) relationship with a friend I love very much--- but no longer trust because of some incidents that happened last year. Which sucks.

Another friend of mine once asked me if I believed in soulmates. Yes, I do. There are too many “coincidences” that have happened in my lifetime to make me think anything different. But I don’t believe in the traditional definition--- the one “magical” person who will change every aspect of your life for the better. I believe we all are connected on the soul level--- just some of us moreso than others. I think we all have several soulmates--- they could come in the form of a lover, a best friend, even a relative. And I also believe that some of those relationships are meant to last, while others are meant to teach us important life lessons. In the latter case, once we learn those lessons--- sometimes those soulmates can remain friends. Or sometimes it’s simply time to move on. It's never easy, though. :(

This person was definitely a soulmate. And as a result of our friendship, I learned valuable lessons about love and trust and the importance of communication. I still wish this person the best and hope that they will be able to change some painful things in their everyday life--- but I’m finding I just can’t be a part of it anymore. This person has the ability to inflict serious emotional pain when they are having a bad day--- and even though they come back with a genuine apology after they’ve lashed out---- I’ve decided I don’t want to be on the receiving end ever again.

In case you’re wondering why I’m sharing this--- it’s because I know there are others out there who are in similar relationships. And I know that it’s hard to break away when see someone you love going through a difficult time and you feel you need to “be there” for them. But you’re not helping yourself--- and you’re not helping them--- if you just let them back into your life every time they hurt you. By breaking things off here, I’m not only trying to protect myself--- but I’m also hoping this person will start to realize that they need to make some serious changes in their life. Who knows...? Maybe in a few years we can start talking again.

UPDATE: since I wrote this, this person has dropped an atom bomb on the bridge that linked us... so I guess talking again won't be possible. Makes me sad, but I have to believe that this has happened for a reason. Even if the reason doesn't make sense right now. :(

Friday, January 29, 2010

Beauty in the midst of destruction...



If you've ever been in an ice storm, you know how eerily beautiful they can be. You also most likely know how destructive they are. Several years ago, we lost power for nine days and eventually lost many trees in our neighborhood to disease because the weight of the ice caused the branches to tear away from the trunks during the storm.

Still, it was amazing to see things you see everyday--- in a different way. A chain link fence becomes a work of art when it's encased in ice.

My friend George has been taking photos of the ice storm in his area this week--- and I really think he's done a great job of capturing beauty in the midst of destruction. Thanks for allowing me to share your photos, George!

(note: the photo at the top of this entry is my favorite--- I think it looks like an angel)












Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Depression and Resurrection


It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way... ~Charles Dickens

I recently stumbled across an article online that talked about the Great Depression--- and the lasting effect it had on that generation. The people who chose to tell their stories ranged from musicians to US Supreme Court justices. Of course, they were all just kids during that era, and undoubtedly saw things a bit differently than adults did at the time. But I still thought their words were telling.

When describing that time, they used words like "rich" and "special." Supreme Court justice John Paul Stevens talked about how his family lost 27 million dollars in the stock market crash of 1929--- and as a result he took a different path. Instead of growing up to run the family business, he had a number of "eventful and interesting" jobs, such as a laundry assistant and a bellhop. Jobs that helped shape him into the person he is today. "It might be hard to understand today, but the 30's were a very special time," he said.

Writer Gay Talese talks about how his childhood in the 30's provided him with survival skills that he took with him well into adulthood: "The Depression taught me a useful skill: how to live poor and not be frightened by it. At my father's tailoring shop, I gained another kind of education. Pointing out through the windows of his shop at roving apple salesmen and other people who were down on their luck, he would remind me that they were once bankers or entrepreneurs. He taught me to take nothing for granted, to be frugal and above all to be self-sufficient."

Jazz musician Roy Haynes says the Depression fostered his love of music: "Artie Shaw, Bennie Goodman, Irving Berlin. They were who I believed in. They were my shelter and my religion. It was a rich period."

Others talk about how the Depression led to them spend more time with their families, forced them to use their imaginations to have fun instead of relying on material things, and encouraged them to become closer to their neighbors. Many people would help anyone who needed it-- even though there was barely enough for themselves.

As country singer Ray Price put it, "I've come to the conclusion that hard times bring out the best in men, good times bring out the worst."

It's such an interesting lesson for today, don't you think?

I've heard the argument that people were more "innocent" back then--- "it was a gentler time" is the phrase I hear often (I think it might have been "gentler" for some people more than others--- but that's another subject for another time). And I also hear that people are just a lot meaner now than they used to be. I don't think that's necessarily true. Rather, I think we're just out of practice. IMO, for the past couple of decades we've been setting up a society that has caused us to forget how to socialize.

I have a love-hate relationship with technology. I've always had a fascination with computers (ever since I first learned BASIC in the early 80's). I also love the ability to communicate immediately with loved ones. Trust me--- you don't want to be near me when my wireless router starts acting up. And taking away my laptop and/or my iPhone would be akin to taking away my left arm. Since I'm right-handed, I could function--- but it wouldn't be easy, and it would really suck.

On the flip side, don't get me started on how anonymity provided by the Internet has led to significant deterioration of people's social skills (ever visited a bulletin board? Or looked at the "comments" section of a news story?). And people close to me will tell you that I hate things like self-pay automated gas pumps and self-checkout stands at the grocery store. In my opinion, those types of inventions were the beginning of the end of courtesy and civility in our society.

Okay. I'll admit I'm being a little extreme here to make a point. ;)

But in all seriousness, one of the most pleasant conversations I have during the day is with the people behind the checkout counter at my neighborhood grocery store. I know them all pretty well. As the mother of a skinny six-year-old who can eat an entire pizza on his own--- I'm in there almost every day. I also enjoy talking/complaining about the weather with the clerk at my favorite gas station--- who gives my son a free lollipop when we come inside to pay.

I'm not saying that the world's problems will be solved by getting rid of automated tellers (although, those tellers are taking people's jobs away--- but again--- another subject for another time).

Nor do I think that every clerk you encounter will immediately start being your best friend. I hear some of the horror stories about customers who yell at them when they tell them to have a nice day--- so keep in mind that unless they know you, there may be a reason they aren't saying that phrase. But it's good to keep trying. And it's good to keep in practice. We--- as a society that values speed and convenience--- are out of practice.

Going back to the original point of this post, perhaps this recession will give us the incentive we need to slow down a bit and start talking to each other again. Perhaps we'll have more of a "we're-in-this-together" mentality that will help remind us that human relationships are key--- in the worst of times, and in the best of times. Some of the people interviewed in the Depression article say they've seen some signs that this is happening. And that gives me hope.

Looking back to my "power of positivity" post--- something as small as a smile and a kind word can be contagious. Pass it on.



Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Perfect Day


Happy New Year everyone! As you've probably noticed, I haven't had much time to get back to the blog lately. My apologies. When life gets busy--- it gets REALLY busy. I'm working on a project I hope to share with everyone some time soon--- but right now I'm sworn to secrecy. ;)

It's been more than a little stressful, though... so I thought I would take a small break from the craziness to re-visit something I wrote a while ago. And I'm glad I did, because it reminded me that I need to get back on track now that we've started another year.

I have a wonderful friend and mentor named Jess who urged me to do an exercise she says really helped her create a "map" of sorts in her life.

Years ago, she wrote down her thoughts about "The Perfect Day." Starting with the moment she woke up and opened her eyes... until they closed later that night. What she wrote was extremely detailed... she talked about the kind of sheets she woke up on, the items in the room, the sounds she heard around her, what she first smelled when she woke up, etc. This detail continued as she proceeded to write about the people she would spend the day with, what they would be doing, where they would be going. All of this was in incredible detail (with one exception I explain below).

Every once in a while she would pull out her Perfect Day and re-read it--- as kind of a reminder of where she wanted to be "some day."

One day, she woke up and started her day... and it didn't really register until a few hours into it--- but at some point she realized she was LIVING her perfect day. It started with her waking up in a beautiful room on special linen sheets she had bought in Ireland (something she had included in her Perfect Day, but hadn't actually bought when she wrote it), and continued to unfold precisely as she had written it.

This might sound a bit unbelievable. But knowing the type of person Jess is I have no doubt it actually happened... because she MADE it happen. By actually detailing her Perfect Day--- and studying it every once in a while--- she had made decisions and adjustments throughout her life that eventually led up to that day becoming reality.

Lesson here: It's hard to get where you want to be when you have only a loose idea of where that place is. If you have a detailed map, you can make the right choices that will get you there more quickly.

I wrote my Perfect Day a few months ago, and it brings me joy every time I read it. Probably because among other things, it involves spending time on a tropical beach and swimming with dolphins. ;) At this point, I have no idea if I'm any closer to it--- but re-reading it makes me think of things I might be able to do to move toward it. So I urge everyone out there to try it, too.

A couple of notes... I know I said most things should be in great detail--- but you should be more general when it comes to talking about the people around you. For example, let's say you are spending the day with your best friend--- and right now your best friend is named Lucy. Well, if you start talking about Lucy in detail you'll be tempted to insert some of her idiosyncrasies into the time you are spending together, little things she might say, etc... and at that point the day is not really about YOU anymore... rather, you're making it more about you and Lucy. This particular exercise should be all about you. Trust me, this is key. After four aborted attempts to write out my Perfect Day, I finally realized that I needed to drop names and faces and just write general things about the way the person makes me feel, such as "my best friend with whom I share everything" or "someone who makes me feel safe and loved." And try not to mentally assign that role to anyone specific.

Also, keep checking in on your Perfect Day every once in a while to see if you are still on the right path. If you realize you aren't, you can make adjustments in your life.... or if your view of what's "perfect" has changed, you can edit your Day. It's okay to change your mind--- after all, this is all about what makes you happy. And making those changes on paper could encourage you make adjustments in your life as well.

Once you've written it, you should have a wonderfully long day you can read over and over again. Something that will remind you what you are working toward. And if you are as determined as Jess to not be a spectator--- but actually MAKE it happen--- maybe in two, five, ten years... you'll be living it.

And thanks, Jess... for allowing me to spread your idea. Here's to more Perfect Days in your future. ;)
 
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